Working through Fear and Resistance

This is a journal excerpt, written during a time of processing a psilocybin experience for the purpose of integration. I am posting this as one example of someone processing their experience.

My intention for this journey was to move out of an old story "you will be rewarded for suffering", to a new story, "you will be rewarded for connecting to joy". Little did I know, this old story was not going to go down without a fight. The way I've conceptualized this experience is that my resistance to "letting go into joy" took the form of three fears. I am going to go through each fear and the belief/mantra that moved me past the fear.

Fear of the Predator - This brought me down many paths. I saw animals eating each other in the jungle and sat with the experience of predatory behavior being a part of my genetic makeup. I imagined how we could evolve out of this and into a new way of life by creating new myths, making new choices. Another voice came in encouraging me to have Radical Acceptance for what is - "Predators exist" - outside of me and inside of me.

The helpful message for me here was - "Yes, Predators exist. I have engaged in some predatory behaviors and have been the victim of some predatory behaviors. That is real. Some predatory energy might exist in this room right now but it is contained and benign. I have made choices to surround myself with safe enough people and it is safe to let go".

Fear of the Burned out Caregiver - This was a distrust in people to properly care for themselves. I had a fear that others were experiencing me as a burden - Fear that they would over-give, not take care of themselves and then build up resentment toward me.

The helpful message for me here was - "Yes, Burned out and resentful caregivers exist. I have engaged in that behavior and have been negatively impacted by others engaged in the behavior. Some Burned out Caregiver energy might be present in this room right now but for the most part people are taking care of themselves. It's fine for me to let go and trust."

The final Fear I met on this journey was the fear of being left behind. I felt very self contained, very independent. I mostly wanted to be left alone so that I could let go and experience the experience. The fear that blocked this manifested as the belief that if I was too independent for too long that when I came to, after not needing anyone for a long time, everyone would be gone. There was pressure to "give the sitters something to do" so that they didn't forget about me.

The helpful message for me here was "It is OK to be independent. It is OK to be whatever you are in the here and now. The sitters don't expect or want anything from you (or if they do it's subtle/benign and you can ignore it). This is part of the journey. Doing your thing. Whatever your thing is in the moment. This is not about the sitters".

These were some important lessons that were worked out during the journey. How can you imagine these lessons working into life on a daily basis?